Battle the Second: Kingston 2 – The Winter League Fray

Through sore muscles and weary bones, the Narwhals took to the seas once more on Thursday, February 13th, sailing into hostile waters at New Malden for a Winter League clash against the Kingstonian Navy. A mere nine brave souls answered the call, still groggy from the previous day’s skirmish, yet undeterred. With but a single referee and the treacherous shallows of the New Malden pool to contend with, we braced for impact.

The battle began with some lightning-fast raids, as the Narwhals surged to a 4-1 lead, deploying expert counterattacks, and executing precision strikes. Our defensive fleet stood firm, barricading the pit, and forcing the enemy into desperate long-range cannon fire.

Yet, as the match wore on, the battle turned into a fierce close-quarters brawl. Not only did we have to fend off the enemy, but also the merciless judgment of the referee, who, in what can only be considered as grossly unfair, deemed us worthy of but one major foul all game. Bribery? A conspiracy? We may never know. Pieces of eight must have changed hands at some point.

Still, there were glorious moments amidst the fray, with Gamble claiming a penalty and coolly slotting it home despite Captain Shute’s protests. Admiral Gary delivered a vintage back-post lob, a classic back pocket move plucked straight from his treasure chest of tricks. First mate Holah and Cabin Boy Finch added their names to the scorecard, whilst Powder Monkey George stood tall in goal, repelling wave after wave of enemy fire.

In the pit, Master Gunner Oggy and Gio “Il Terrore del Mare” battled tirelessly, though the spoils were scarce. Their sacrifice, however, left space on the arc, allowing for well-placed volleys of cannon fire from other members of the crew. After a bruising encounter, the Narwhals emerged victorious once more, sailing home with an 11-9 triumph and a hold full of loot.

Man of the Match: Ed “Crap Beard” Gamble, the hat-trick hero who guided the Narwhal ship through choppy waters.

Moment(s) of the Match had an equal share of the vote this time around:

Ed “Crap Beard’s” goal from the left wing – single-handedly loading and firing the biggest cannon on the Narwhal vessel.

Gary’s lob – a shot so sweet, even the Kraken himself would approve.

Rob “Cockswain” Dickenson’s manhandling of children – a questionable yet effective strategy for achieving victory.

Fluffer of the Match: Rob got this one too - in a moment of madness, he called a timeout during a 3-on-1 counterattack, causing Holah to be very sad as he had tried so hard to be up there in the first place. Or he hadn’t swum back to defend... A crime against stamina, indeed.

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Post-Battle Revelries

With four victories in the treasure chest, the crew retired to the local tavern to toast their success. There, Cabin Boy Finch stumbled upon a bottle of grog (Smirnoff Ice) and, being the dedicated seafarer that he is, saw to it that the bottle met its fate.

Thus ends this chapter of the Mighty Narwhals’ Saga—a tale of hard-fought victories, heroics, calamities, and, of course, the occasional act of nautical nonsense. With the wind at our backs and a league to conquer, we sail forth once more!

⚓ Onward, Narwhals, to further plunder and glory! 🏴‍☠️🐋