Forza Narwhali: Gladiatorial triumph over Blue Marlin

Whitgift pool bore witness to a true spectacle the other week, as the Narwhals staged an epic comeback to claim their first victory of the 24/25 Thameside season, defeating Blue Marlin in emphatic fashion. Led by the indomitable Giovanni, whose seven-goal masterclass left no doubt of his gladiatorial prowess, the team turned a disastrous start into a triumphant rout.

The opening quarter was nothing short of catastrophic. Blue Marlin stormed out with the ferocity of barbarian invaders, leaving the Narwhali stunned and trailing 7-5. Key to the early chaos was (obviously) the absence of Ed Gamble in the pool, instead left manning the Table, a strategic outpost. Without their field general, the Narwhali cohorts looked rudderless, toothless in attack and woefully lacking in defence. Something had to change – the trumpets sounded, and the troops regrouped. On to Round 2!

The Legions of the Narwhali, like Rome itself, do not fall so easily. Rallying after the break, the team emerged from their huddle with renewed purpose, driven by the looming threat of a figurative thumbs-down from the Emperor—failure was not an option. Ed’s return to the water brought immediate stability, and the defence began to tighten like a testudo of legionaries. The second and third quarters were hard-fought, but the Narwhali prevailed in both by identical 3-1 margins, narrowing the gap and setting the stage for a final quarter that will live long in the memory. As the game progressed, Nick continued his gladiatorial combat with a member of the Marlin hordes, eventually gaining victory by having his foe vanquished from the pool by the refereeing gods. He also managed to pick himself up a hattrick of goals – but his heroics were to pale in comparison…

What followed was a display of complete dominance. In the fourth quarter, the Narwhali turned the pool into their own Colosseum, obliterating Blue Marlin with a stunning 6-0 performance. Giovanni, our Italian Maximus, was unstoppable, dispatching goal after goal with the ruthlessness of a gladiator. With this performance, he solidified his legend, tallying 11 goals in two matches against Blue Marlin. It was a gladiatorial masterclass—victory carved into the annals of history. As the game came to an end, Giovanni, already a hero among men, ascended to mythical status with his seventh goal. “I am Giovanni,” he declared, sliding his cap from his head, “scorer of goals, defender of the Narwhali, and flat-track bully of Blue Marlin. Are you not entertained!?".

The crowd roared in approval as he held his arms aloft. Confetti rained from the sky and small chant rose to deafening roar… “Gio… Gio… GIO!! GIO!!”. As the fourth quarter ended, it was clear that the Narwhali had let slip the dogs of war, hammering home their victory. But the triumph was not without its lighter moments. Oggy’s scrappy, opportunistic goal—less a precise strike, more a chaotic goalmouth scramble—was awarded Moment of the Match for its sheer entertainment value. On the flip side, George’s missed penalty drew unanimous votes for Fluffer of the Match, a moment that, had this been ancient Rome, might have seen him falling on his own sword in disgrace.

Following closely behind George in the Fluffer stakes was Rob Dickinson, also thrown into the unenviable task of table duty. He struggled to keep the bureaucratic gods of Polo appeased and had a torrid time with his clock management. Dickinson’s ordeal, though valiant, only underscored one truth: the table is not a place for the uneducated.

Also worth shouting out the Narwhali’s auxiliary reserves, the "Leeches” who offered valuable support as the team surged to glory. With the final whistle, the crowd rose in ovation, and the Emperor’s verdict was clear: a resounding thumbs-up. The die had been cast, and the Marlins had been routed in a match that will be retold around the baths for seasons to come.

Forza Narwhali. The path to glory continues.