Hampton Lido: A Thoroughly Flushed Experience

⭐Rating: 7.5/10 - Would Wipe Again⭐

To celebrate our first floodlit water polo experience, we thought it was about time we brought life back to the Pre-Match Poo toilet blog. We all know there is a dedicated, niche, Deal focused fan-base and it was long overdue that we showed them some love. Joined by a fellow Narwhali, this reviewer was very excited to sit upon the vacant “throne” and bring some life back to this blog.

When we first strolled into the Hampton Lido toilets, our expectations were modest. A small lidotucked on the edge of Bushy Park did not do much to suggest extravagant spend on toilet facilities. Regardless, we sought out our targets – spirits high, bowels were full. Imagine our surprise when we were greeted by an aroma fresher than a spring meadow and a cleanliness so gleaming, we momentarily thought we’d walked into a bathroom showroom. A member of staff was busy mopping the floors, adding to the squeaky-clean vibe, but their presence did create a degree of performance anxiety that did detract slightly from the initial impression.

At first glance, these porcelain thrones seemed pristine — perhaps too clean if anything. It was almost like they were trying too hard. Was this cleanliness genuine or merely a facade? As we settled in, our suspicions deepened when my fellow reviewer had to wipe someone else's golden spray off the seat. Nothing shatters the illusion of spotless perfection quite like a rogue pee puddle.

But let’s not get bogged down in the negatives—there were plenty of bright spots. First, the toilet paper situation in both stalls was excellent. South-west London doesn’t skimp on the good stuff. Plush, soft, and in generous supply, the toilet paper here was a gentle reminder that life is too short for rough wipes. However, our enthusiasm dampened—quite literally—when we realized there was no hook for our coats and bags, forcing us to play a precarious balancing act to avoid the soggy floor. A bit of a bum deal if you ask me.

Now, onto the big question: how well could this bowl handle the aftermath of a combined 5 pints and two pizzas (one being extra spicy)? With a level of quality we were now starting to get used to (South-West London strikes again) – our deposits were handled without fuss or complaint. The bowl was also able to professionally handle a reload situation from my fellow reviewer (we’ve all been there), handling the encore with decorum. Very mindful, very demure.

Now that we had finished our activities and sent a customary selfie to a fellow triathlon focused Narwhal, our attention turned to the final elements of the review. The stall acoustics could have done with a touch more drama — a light echo, yes, but where’s the reverb when you need it for maximum effect? The lighting was solid, and the WiFi connection strong. Whether you’re uploading to Instagram or just browsing for a mid-loo scroll, you’re covered. The aforementioned selfies were sent with minimal fuss or delay.

The flush was smooth, musical even, with no unnecessary splash back. Hampton Lido, while not quite Japan-level with fancy bidet functions and heated seats, still impressed with its simplicity.

All in all, while it didn’t blow me away, it certainly didn’t leave me flushed with disappointment. A respectable 7.5/10. If you’re in the area and need to drop off a delivery, Hampton Lido’s got you covered.