Lewisham Vs Narwhals: South Eastern London Toilet Blunders

After spending several anxious moments searching the grotty corridors of the Glass something Leisure Centre, I finally located the porcelain. The search itself was a test of rectal control and navigational skills, with signage so poor it seemed designed to discourage the visiting arctic narwhali. Never hold it in, it just gets larger and harder.

Having discovered several homeless zombies in the car park, this patron wasn’t exactly expecting lavish luxury. One can only dream of the flushing heights of Eton. However, what was found was really, really bad. The floor tiles, once white, I imagine, had become a peculiar grey-brown that no amount of cleaning could remedy. Water stains and other body fluids covered the floor.

A musty odor lingered in the air (Shute’s offering), masked inadequately by the industrial-strength air freshener that seemed to have been used. The soap dispenser, surprisingly functional, was like old man’s piss, dribbling out.

The toilet paper provided was clearly left over from when the pool was a glass factory. The paper was a horrific way to clean a sensitive area. It felt like a hate crime.

I must give credit where it's due – the flush mechanism performed its duties with impressive vigour. Much needed considering the loose poop on its way into the Lewisham tap water. Didn’t use the hand dryer, wiped hands on someone’s ball later on.

Mom: Zach pit defence & Gio flat tracking

Moment: Lovely Gio team goal

Fluffer: Gary’s new phone telling him not to pass to anyone

MDM: Zach, Dario

Oh and we won 12-3. Great defence lads.

Forza Narwhali