Olympic-Sized Woes for WT Narwhals as Avondale win gold

Avondale 13 - 4 WT Narwhals

Despite starting the day with medal hopes, the optimism slowly faded as the Narwhals again struggled in the London League. Rob “always comes second” Dickinson was quoted as saying “They have no decent players, they are all average” – if that is the case, I would be worried what the pre-game assessment of the Narwhals would be!!

In a match that could only be described as an Olympic-sized disappointment, the WT Narwhals faced off against Avondale in a at Putney. The Narwhals, dreaming of Paris 2024 glory, were instead handed a lesson in physicality and precision, suffering a humbling 13-4 defeat. Despite defending well, our shooting let us down, with too many shots going high, wide, or straight at the keeper.

Ed “Clattenburg” Gamble started his evening by refereeing at Tooting Bec before dashing over to Putney to participate in the fixture. His efforts were akin to a gruelling, poorly conceived triathlon, but unlike those who braved the Seine, he managed to avoid a severe case of the squits.

The Narwhals' struggle was evident from the outset, with Avondale's physical dominance and the Narwhals' woeful shooting combining to create a perfect storm of failure. Despite the lopsided scoreline, Nick Shute emerged as the shining star for the Narwhals, netting all four of the team's goals. His efforts not only bolstered his normalized goal tally significantly but also propelled him past the 50-goal mark for the season. This Herculean feat earned him the well-deserved title of Man of the Match.

Andy, ever present in goal, put on a valiant display, making a series of crucial saves to keep the team within touching distance. In a moment reminiscent of Olympic-level mind games, Andy managed to psych out an Avondale penalty taker, causing them to miss wildly. His toothless grin reminiscent of a victorious boxer.

Gio’s determination in the pit was unwavering, but the referees offered little in return for his Greco-Roman wrestling efforts. Gary, meanwhile, took a more affectionate approach, spending much of his time giving the opposition pit player a koala bear hug, perhaps trying to charm his way to victory with moves more suited to Judo or artistic swimming duets.

Zach “social media” Finch, for a second game in a row, was referred to the dubious Maddy committee, contributing significantly to the Narwhals' forgettable performance. He is joined in the committee lobby by Gamble, for two cynical (yet necessary?) fouls. George “sprinter” Adam did his best to win some swim-offs, but even there we struggled to gain a moral victory. In all, the match bore little resemblance to any Olympic event, with minimal bursts of speed, poor accuracy, and sadly, no victory bell to ring at the end.

Gio, Gary, and David decided to take a metaphorical trip to Portugal, perhaps seeking solace in a glass of Port and a Pastal de Nata. George claimed the moment of the match, though the reasoning behind this decision remains shrouded in mystery—proof that democracy in sports, much like in politics, can yield curious results.

Fluffer of the match went to Zach. His fluffs were more in line with a diver slipping on the board and bellyflopping into the pool rather than executing a smooth, clean entry. He narrowly edged out another moment of tactical ingenuity from Mr. Shute, who, in a moment of déjà vu, called a timeout during a man-up counter scenario for the second game running, showcasing his unorthodox approach to game management.

As the Narwhals lick their wounds and reflect on another London League defeat, they can at least take solace in the individual heroics of Nick “perfect 10” Shute. Better luck next time, Narwhals—Paris 2024 may be out of reach for now, but the quest for Olympic glory continues.

July 29th Stats