The Great North

We played a game of waterpolo today but that does t really matter. The big event for the day is that I had the honour of completing the northern line from High Barnet to Morden station. The northern line is a staple in connecting the north to the south and it is owed it’s judgement. As I progressed through the track I decided to rate each of the stations. Please see my journey unfold…..

✓ High Barnet 8/10 nice station was clean and easy to work my way out. Smooth between to next station

✓ Totteridge & Whetstone 1/10 unnecessarily long name and not underground fake station. 30% chance someone wants to mug you.

✓ Woodside Park 3/10 still not underground so can’t rate high but was a decent platform with empty bins, very well kept.

✓ West Finchley 2/10 - why am I still not underground?

✓ Flinchley central - 1/10 - I’m at my 5th out of 32 stops why is the London Underground not underground. Name of entire system needs changing. Crime fences make the station look unsafe

✓ East Finchley - 3.5/10. STUPID it’s the overground at this point. Lots of platforms to reduce congestion very mindful very demure.

✓ Highgate 9/10 was finally underground would have been 10/10 if there was a high gate to be seen. We don’t like liars but at least it’s truth is being underground.

✓ Archway 7/10 the roof of the tunnel did resemble an arch so we like that. But sooty could do with the floors being moped (Job for TJ)at woop woop. I have never been but been told it’s fun there.

✓ Tufnell Park - 8/10 had the first passenger join me in the carriage. Sat the opposite end of the carriage, he knew the etiquette. Has good people

✓ Kentish Town 2/10 not actually in Kent, false advertisement.

✓ Camden Town 7/10 clean looking station, very obvious yellow line to stand behind would respect the rules here

✓ Euston 5/10 very noisy station to get to, didn’t have the nice tiling like the stations before, looked like a public bathroom but did have ramps for disability access. Very thoughtful

✓ King’s Cross at pancreas 6/10 lots of people got on the train, I don’t feel so alone in this world anymore.

✓ Angel 7/10 very large platform, lots of space and high ceilings would not get too stuffy in rush hour, would recommend this stop for commuters.

✓ Old street 7/10 didn’t look very old but advertised a beer that is an anti ageing serum - this I have drank that before. Thought would make me look younger but now have ended up with an older woman.

✓ Moorgate 3/10 this is my stop for work so I know this place like the back of my hand. Work is hard

✓ Bank - -1/10 they would not give me a mortgage here.

✓ London Bridge 8/10 had lots of very clear signage and had a soft lady voice for announcements, also was a spacious platform so can’t push people on the tracks and get away with it.

✓ Borough 5/10 just you average station. Could do with advertising better things on its wall. Didn’t love it but also didn’t hate it.

✓ Elephant and castle - 4/10 I did not see an elephant or a castle the TFL spread many lies at their station next thing you know TFL is not actually transport in london they just make you think that to hide wormhole travel, that’s why it’s dark between stations.

✓ Kennington 4/10 very dirty platform and too many people got in my carriage now. I’m sure there isn’t actually anything worth doing in Kennington.

✓ Oval 7.5/10 very standard platform the tiling was very well crafted, good signage, had emergency contact buttons only disapointment is that the underground sign did not have the circle adapted to be an oval shape.

✓ Stockwell 5/10 basic platform had no personality only reason it’s ok is it’s where to change to get to Brixton where the party is at woop woop. I have never been but been told it’s fun there.

✓ Clapham North 4/10 no wall to seperate platforms going in opposite directions, very dangerous for busy times.

✓ Clapham central 6/10 another station without a partition wall, Clapham must be a poor area not being able to afford proper safety precautions. this station has data access which is nice as meant I could see the narwhal website to read the latest match report.

✓ Clapham South 6/10 another platform with internet access but this platform had busted lights giving a slight ominous vibe

✓ Balham 3/10 this journey is really dragging on. Too many women’s vitamins adverts. It’s starting to gain my curiosity for their flavour

✓ Tooting Bec. 8/10 Would get off here to get to tooting lido to compete against the leaches. Good vibes, platform was clean, had good adverts too, apparently Kew Gardens has some nice orchids.

✓ Tooting Broadway. 6/10 I misunderstood when it said broadway, not many flashing lights or talented performers but there were performers. Deffo keeping my head down

✓ Colliers Wood 3/10 is nice but was sick on the platform last week too embarrassed to be back

✓ South Wimbledon 8/10 on the home stretch. But it is such a large distance it takes forever

✓ Morden. 10/10 - I can finally get off. The station within the barriers is not bad but leaving to be in Morden 1/10 I need to move house.

Stats from the ride

The first 1/6 is not actually underground so fake news.

The worst station is bank, would not cash my cheques there

The best station was Morden as it meant I could get off the Northern line.

The most common rating was 8/10

The mean rate was 5.2/10

Overall I would not reccomend this line, it’s long it’s boring and it’s noisy.

Shout out to all the passengers in the train avoiding sitting next to me

We also played a game of waterpolo.

Lost 12/9, no one went on holiday. Fluffer goes to Zach, moment of the match Charles - what he did has been lost to time. Man of the match went to Gio

Overall, I realised I spent 1.5 hours of my life reviewing an underground line. I need to re-evaluate my life choices…

by George Adam