Water polo match report; 19th February 2025

This report has been redacted under the requirements of the official secrets act of 1957 and revisions in 1982 and 2025. 10 Narwhals assembled at a break in the sea ice at Croydon to take on the mighty Vostochnye выдра team who arrived from the frozen wastes of the East.

Rumours abounded over the Easterner’s might and the colour of their купальный костюм, yet only seven made it to Croydon.

It must be said that Name Redacted took the brunt of their attack limiting their scoring to a single sneaky goal in the first quarter the ball being secreted in a nondescript parcel at the near post by Kropotkin.   Meanwhile 003 (codename George First Man), 005 (Jesus H) and the inimitable 006 (Sankt Nickolaus Стрелять) all scored one for the mighty Narwhals.   The Italian contingent 009, codename, GO, however, surpassed even their own inimitability by shooting 3 past the выдра’s weak defence.

Narrowly missing the vote for moment of the match, Name Redacted handed the red army hat to 003 code name George First Man.   Racing to the ball at the start of the second quarter Name Redacted won the ball from Kropotkin, scooping it back to Gamble who past smartly up the pitch, but more excitement was to follow.  Kropotkin scored 1 against the flow of the match, with Narwhals only managing 2 in the quarter. One of these was a mighty swim by 008 code name Dario, past three defenders and scoring, the restless crowd screaming its appreciation of the quality of the play.

Narwhals languished in the lead during the 3rd quarter squandering a winning strategy but still winning the quarter 4-3   One each from First Man, 006, 0garE and 10km man was enough to stem the выдра’s tide from the East.  So with the overall score sitting at 12-5 Narwhals positioned themselves to hang on for just 7 more minutes.

Codename GO, managed to glance the ball into the goal from a beautifully flighted pass from the right wing, receiving the ball well inside the 2 meters line, the hapless referees, so dazzled by the quality of the move managing to forget this arcane rule and giving the goal to Narwhals.    006 (Sankt Nickolaus Стрелять) rose to his full stature in in his efforts to gain the MOM status, by scoring three goals in the final quarter, but was this enough to fend of the earlier efforts from codename GO?  Course not…..

With the final score at 16-6, the Kropotkins went home with their tails between their legs to lick their wounds until the mighty Narwhals planned to journey far to the Eastern steppe for the return match the week following.   See next match report.

Man of the match goes to codename GO with 5 goals closely followed by Sankt Nickolaus Стрелять who also scored 5.

Fluffer goes to virtually the whole team for being shit in front of goal.  Never has the woodwork and the windows behind the goal taken such a beating from wayward shooting.

Moment of the match goes to codename Dario for his swim pick up and shoot which could not be described as shit exactly.  In fact it was quite good and resembled how people are supposed to play this game of water polo.

Name Redacted

Forza Narwhali

An unredacted version is available from Name Redacted on receipt of £200 into his Kazcom Bank account number 007007 Almati Kazakhstan. Or a pint of London Pride at the Корона и Cкипетр.